OUR LOVE ISN'T LIKE YOUR LOVE
Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s
love—it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing,
generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure.
If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a
mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no
matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or
demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just
aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re
at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you
in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re
up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean
really loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty,
encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s
not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even
when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no
matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say
you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door
on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then
some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even
when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s
The One just isn’t good enough.
That’s a woman’s love—it stands the test of time, logic, and
all circumstance.
And this is exactly how you all expect us men to love you in
return. Ask any woman what kind of love she wants from a
man, and it will sound something like this: I want him to be
humble and smart, fun and romantic, sensitive and gentle, and,
above all, supportive. I want him to look in my eyes and tell me
I’m beautiful and that I complete him. I want a man who is
vulnerable enough to cry when he’s hurting, who will introduce
me to his mother with a smile on his face, who loves children
and animals, and who is willing to change diapers and wash
dishes and do it all without me having to ask. And if he has a
nice body and a lot of money and expensive shoes without
scuffs, that would be great, too. Amen.
Well, I’m here to tell you that expecting that kind of love—
that perfection—from a man is unrealistic. That’s right, I said
it—it’s not gonna happen, no way, no how. Because a man’s
love isn’t like a woman’s love.
Don’t get it confused, now—I’m not saying that we’re not
capable of loving. I’m just saying that a man’s love is different—
much more simple, direct, and probably a little harder to come
by. I’ll tell you this much: a man who is in love with you is
probably not going to call you every half hour and give you an
update on how much more he loves you at 5:30 P.M. than he did
at 5:00 P.M.; he’s not going to sit around stroking your hair and
wiping your brow with cold compresses while you sip hot tea
and nurse yourself back to health.
His love is still love, though.
It’s just different from the love that women give and, in a lot
of cases, want.
I argue that if you simply recognize how, exactly, a man
loves, you might find that the man standing in front of you is,
indeed, giving you his all and then some. How do you know
when a man loves you? Simple: he will do each of the following
three things.
P
If your man loves you, he’s willing to tell anybody and everybody,
“Look, man, this is my woman” or “this is my girl,”
“my baby’s mama,” or “my lady.” In other words, you will have
a title—an official one that far extends beyond “this is my
friend,” or “this is__________ (insert your name here).” That’s
because a man who has placed you in the most special part of
his heart—the man who truly has feelings for you—will give
you a title. That title is his way of letting everyone within the
sound of his voice know that he’s proud of being with you, and
that he has plans for you. He sees himself in a long-term, committed
relationship with you, and he’s professing it for all to
hear because he’s serious about this thing—it may be the beginning
of something special.
A man who professes you as his own is also saying in not so
many words that he’s claiming you—that you are his. Now he’s
put everyone on notice. Any man who hears another man say,
“this is my lady,” knows that whatever games/tricks/plans/
schemes he may have had in mind for the pretty, sexy lady
standing in front of him need to be shelved until the next single
woman comes in the room, because another man has professed
out loud that “this one is mine and she’s not available for anything
you were plotting and planning.” It’s a special signal we
men all recognize and respect as the universal code for “offlimits.”
If he introduces you as his “friend,” or by your name, have
no doubt that’s all you are. He doesn’t think any more of you
than that. In your heart of hearts, ladies, you all know this.
Indeed, when I explained this to a friend of mine, she just
laughed and laughed because she could identify with it—saw it
up close at an annual Christmas dinner she’s been attending
with her family and some close friends for going on twelve
years. One guy, she said, would show up every year with a new
chick—each one prettier than the last—and a new story about
his job or his vacation or his new business venture or whatever.
While the stories and the women kept changing, the one thing
that remained constant was this: none of those women ever got
introduced as his girlfriend or lady. They were always, without
hesitation, presented by their name. Period. And then he would
spend the rest of the night cuddling a hard drink and catching
up with old friends and colleagues, leaving her to sit at the table
by herself, looking out of place and ridiculous in her fancy
dress, trying her best to fit in. Everyone at the table pretty much
knew that the moment the couple hit the door and went on
their way, none of the regular party attendees would ever see
her with him again.
Then one recent Christmas party, he showed up with a new
woman—his fingers all intertwined with hers, both of them
smiling like Cheshire cats. He introduced her as his “lady,” and
instantly, everyone knew what was up. But it wasn’t just because
of the title he’d assigned; it was because of the actions
behind it. He was holding her hand, looking directly at her
when he talked to her, introducing her around to everyone—
from the business folks to his really good friends—running to
the bar to get drinks for her, and dancing with her like he didn’t
want the night to end. And when everyone left that evening,
they all knew they’d be seeing that woman again, fingers intertwined
with the hitherto eternal playboy bachelor, one who
changed women as often as Diana Ross changes costumes at a
concert.
And wouldn’t you know it? When they came back to that
same function the next year, she had a new title: fiancée. For
sure, she was in this man’s plans.
So, if you’ve been dating a guy for at least ninety days and
you’ve never met his mother, you don’t go to church together,
you haven’t been around his family or his friends, and he took you
to a networking/job/social function and introduced you by your
name, then you’re not in his plans—he doesn’t see you in his future.
But the minute he assigns a title—the moment he lays claim to
you in front of people who mean something to him in his life,
whether it’s his boy, his sister, or his boss—that’s the minute
you know your man is making a statement. He is professing his
intentions for you—and professing them to the people who
need to know that information. A profession is key—you will
know if a man is serious about you once he claims you.
P
Once we’ve claimed you, and you’ve returned the honor, we’re
going to start bringing home the bacon. Simply put, a man who
loves you will bring that money home to make sure that you and
the kids have what you all need. That is our role—our purpose.
Society has told us men for millennium that our primary function
is to make sure our families are set—whether we’re alive or dead,
the people we love need want for nothing. This is the very core
of manhood—to be the provider. That’s what it’s all about. (Okay,
there are a few other things; for example, how well you’re endowed—
and I’m not talking financially—and how well can you
provide—now, I am talking financially.) If a man is in a position
of being questioned about whether he’s able to provide, financially
and otherwise, for the ones he loves, you might as well drop-kick
his ego into an early grave. The more he can provide for his
woman and his kids, the bigger and more alive he feels. Sounds
simplistic, but that is the reality.
As a provider, a man pays the bills that have to be paid—the
rent, the heat and light bill, the car note; he buys groceries; he
pays school tuition; and he takes care of other household expenditures.
He will not spend his money on trifling things and
come to you with what’s left, and he will not selfishly give you
a little cut and take the rest for himself. And a man who truly
loves you would never make you ask for money for necessities—
he would make sure that you need and mostly want for nothing,
because every pat on the back he gets for bringing more
money into the house, every kiss he gets for handing over cash
for school clothes and supplies and toys, every bit of appreciation
he gets for keeping the lights and cable on, boosts his prowess
as a man. That’s why, if he’s a real man, he will always put
buying something for himself far below his responsibility to
provide for his family. His need for another set of golf clubs or
expensive shoes or a fancy car or anything else men like to
spend their money on will pale in comparison to providing for
loved ones, because those golf clubs can’t make him square his
shoulders the way true appreciation from a woman can. Consequently,
everything he does is going to be about trying to make
sure the woman he loves has what she needs.
Now I know that expecting a man to care for you financially,
no questions asked, in an age in which women have been
raised to be financially independent of men gives you pause;
if you’ve been taught all your life to go dutch on your dates
and pull out your own checkbook when it comes to paying
your bills, and you’ve been repeatedly told that you can’t
depend on a man to do anything for you, then it’s understandable
why you can’t wrap your mind around this simple concept.
But remember what drives a man; real men do what they have
to do to make sure their people are taken care of, clothed,
housed, and reasonably satisfied, and if they’re doing anything
less than that, they’re not men—or shall we say, he’s not your
man, because he will eventually do this for someone’s daughter,
maybe not you.
For sure, all too many men shirk this responsibility, whether
out of selfishness, stupidity, or sheer inability or a combination
of all three. But some men simply do not have the education,
resources, and wherewithal to make an adequate amount of hard
cash. And if a man can’t provide, then he doesn’t feel like a man,
so he flees to escape the horrible feelings of inadequacy, or he’s
going to bury those feelings in drugs and alcohol. Indeed, you
can probably trace a whole host of the pathologies exhibited by
the most trifling of men back to their inability to provide. Some
try to use crime to make up for it (clearly, our prisons tell us
that’s not working); some use drugs (our street corners tell us
that’s not working, either); some just run (the numbers of women
raising kids alone, and falling into poverty because of it, tell us
that’s definitely not working). But ask any one of those men
who aren’t doing right by themselves or the ones they love what
they regret most, and I’ll bet you a majority of them will say the
same thing: they wish they had the ability to provide.
Of course, some men simply refuse to share the money in
their pockets with their women. As some rap songs and hiphop
magazines tell you, these men feel they’re being “played”
if they provide anything of monetary value to the opposite sex.
Some men even label any and every woman who expects her
intended to provide for her the very handy, decisively ugly
phrase gold digger. Oh, when it comes to women, that phrase
gets tossed around these days like dough in a New York City
pizza parlor. In fact, men have set it up so well that we’ve got
women thinking that if they remotely expect a man to pay for
their dinner, or buy them a drink at the bar, or set any financial
requirements for their man, then they’re gold diggers.
I’m here to tell you, though, ladies, that the term “gold
digger” is one of the traps we men set to keep you off our
money trail; we created that term for you so that we can have
all of our money and still get everything we want from you
without you asking for or expecting this very basic, instinctual
responsibility that men all over the world are obligated to
assume and embrace. It’s a “get-over” term, ladies—one that
has a very legitimate premise (there are, of course, women who
date and marry men solely for the cold, hard cash), but one that
has been wrongly and almost universally applied to any woman
who has made clear that she expects her man to fulfill his duty
as a man. Know this: It is your right to expect that a man will pay for
your dinner, your movie ticket, your club entry fee, or whatever else he
has to pay for in exchange for your time. You all have to stop this
foolishness with the “I pay for my dinner so he knows I don’t
need him” approach. As I point out in the next chapter, “The
Three Things Every Man Needs: Support, Loyalty, and the
Cookie,” a man—a real one, anyway—wants to feel needed.
And the easiest way to help him get that high is to let him provide
for you. This is only fair.
And if he loves you? Oh, he’s going to bring every cent
home to you. He’s not going to come back from gambling all
his money away, saying, “Here’s $100—that’s all I got this
week.” He’s going to come straight home with that check, and
if there’s anything left over after he takes care of each and every
one of your needs, well, then he’ll play. This is man business,
baby. It’s how we do.
Now, there are different ways to provide besides monetarily.
Your man could be broke, but he’s going to do everything
within his power to make up for this by supplying your needs
in other tangible ways. If you’re running low on groceries, he
may not be able to give you money to go to the store, but he
might have a little extra something in his refrigerator and pantry
to hold you over until he can give you a couple of dollars. In
other words, he’s not going to let you go hungry. If your car is
broken down, he may not be able to pay for a mechanic, but he
can call his buddies over to help him move your ride to the side
of the road and give you rides to work until he figures out how
to pay for your car to get fixed. If you need some pictures hung,
and the sink unclogged, and a new garage door installed, a man
who loves you will climb up a twenty-foot ladder to get that
picture up on the wall, put a bucket down to catch the overflowing
water from the sink while he goes to find the right part
he needs to fix the pipes, and pore through the instruction
manual for hours to figure out how to get that garage door in.
Providing for the ones he loves and cares about, whether it’s
monetarily or with sweat equity, is a part of a man’s DNA, and
if he loves and cares for you, this man will provide for you all
these things with no limits.
P
When a man truly loves you, anybody who says, does, suggests,
or even thinks about doing something offensive to you stands
the risk of being obliterated. Your man will destroy anything and
everything in his path to make sure that whoever disrespected
you pays for it. This is his nature. You pick most any male species
on the planet, and the same is true: no one is going to disrespect
their family without paying a cost—or at least putting
up a serious fight. This is innate—recognized and respected
from the first relationship that a boy has, that relationship being
with his mother. He may not know what unconditional love is
yet, but a boy child will never (a)admit that his mother is
capable of making mistakes, or (b) let someone say or do something
to his mother. This is taught to males practically from the
womb—cover your mother, protect her, don’t let anybody say
anything about her or do anything to her, and if they do, let
them know it’s time to take it outside. This is most certainly the
way it was taught in my house, too. I remember distinctly when
I was a little boy, probably around age eight or so, standing
there waiting for my mother to pull on her coat for our bus ride
downtown. My father came in the room and said, very simply,
“You and your mother are going downtown—watch out for
your mother.” That was rule number one in my father’s house:
Do not come back in this house without your mother and your
sisters. You might as well kill yourself or get on a bus and go
somewhere else, but don’t come back without your mother and
the girls. Now, I knew good and hell well that if anybody so
much as raised a finger to my mother, I wouldn’t be able to do
anything about it—that she was really taking care of me on that
bus. But, buddy, I’d be on the bus and in the store with my
little chest stuck out, swearing I was doing something to protect
my family.
Because that was what I was supposed to do.
Indeed, that is what every man is supposed to—and is willing
to do—for the people for whom he professes and provides.
Once he says he cares about you, you are a prized possession to
him, he will do anything to protect that prized possession. If
he’s hearing you argue with a bill collector, he’s going to say,
“Who are you talking to? Let me talk to him right quick.” If
your ex is calling and bringing drama in your life, your man is
going to talk to him about it. If he sees your kids are cutting up
and getting out of hand, he’s going to talk to them, too. In
other words, he’s going to be providing protection and leadership
for his family because he knows a real man is a protector.
There is not a real man living who will not protect what is his.
It’s about respect.
I’d argue that this is most certainly one of the key things any
woman wants in her man, because it is what girls have been
raised to expect—that they can count on the most important
men in their lives to go to battle for them, and keep them safe
from all harm, no matter the cost. I think you all know this so
well that you take great care in letting a man who loves you
know when someone’s been a threat or danger to you, because
you know that your man—whether he be your father, brother,
uncle, husband, or lover—is going to do everything in his
power and then some to defend your honor. Maybe even hurt
somebody, despite the consequences. For instance, you probably
don’t really want to hype what’s going on down at your job
because he might head down to the job and have a few words
with your boss if necessary. And we all know that would not be
a good situation.
I remember one time when my mother was at home and the
insurance man came by looking for some money my mother
didn’t have. My father was at work, so he didn’t actually witness
this man come to our front door and say to my mother, “The next
time I come here, you better have this money or else.” My dad
got wind of the situation from one of my siblings, and when he
asked my mother what, exactly, this man said to her, she hesitated
and hemmed and hawed for a long time before she finally
broke down and told my father about the exchange. She didn’t
really want to tell him what went down because she knew my
father would snap. When he finally had the information he
needed, my father came to me and asked what time the insurance
man usually shows up, and I told him. And the next time
that man came by the house, my father was there waiting for
him. I’ll never forget the image; that man never made it past
the back of his car. When we looked out the window, my father
had that man bent over the car with both his hands on that
man’s neck. “If you ever say anything disrespectful to my wife
again, I will kill you,” he said. Now, that may seem a little extreme,
but this is what real men do to protect the ones they
love.
Protection isn’t just about using brute, physical force against
someone, though. A man who truly cares about or loves you
can and will protect you in other ways, whether it be with
advice, or stepping up to perform a task that he thinks is too
dangerous for you to do. For instance, if it’s dark outside, he
may not want you to put the car in the driveway or walk the
dog by yourself because he fears for your safety; in this instance,
he’ll move the cars and walk the dog himself, even if he’s just
off a double shift, so that you can be inside where it’s safe. If
you’re walking by someone who looks like he might be a threat,
a man who loves you is going to protect you by putting himself
between you and that guy as you walk by so if he tries anything,
he’ll have to get through your man before he so much as
lays a finger on you.
My wife, Marjorie, still cracks up when she thinks about
how I “protected” her on a recent joint fishing and diving trip
we took in Maui. See, my wife is a certified scuba diver. I am
not. When we got out on those choppy waters of the Pacific
Ocean, I couldn’t help but feel like something was going to
happen to my wife down there, and I wouldn’t have any way of
protecting her. Nonetheless, she put on all the equipment and
began to descend into the water. I got antsy and immediately
started lighting up cigars and walking around the boat explaining
to the dive masters that “this one has to come back.” By the
time she was actually under the water, I’d told my security guy,
who can’t scuba dive, to put on his snorkel and get in and keep
an eye on her. I’d also told everyone onboard—from my manager
to the captain—that “if my wife is not back up here in
thirty-five minutes, everybody’s putting on some suits and
we’re going to go get her.” The guy leading the expedition said
as nicely as he could, “Sir, everybody can’t go down to save one
person,” but his words meant nothing to me. “I’m telling you,”
I said, getting a little more jumpy with each word, “Either everybody
goes down there to save her, or I’m killing everybody
on the boat. This boat goes nowhere without her, and if it pulls
off and she’s not on it, that’s it for everybody.”
My wife must have sensed something was up because suddenly,
she was back above water. She knew that I was acting up.
And rather than dive, she returned to the boat, because she
knew how nervous I was about the whole idea of her submerged
under water where I couldn’t act on my natural instincts to
protect her; she figured it was better to sit that dive out. She
understands that primal need I have to make sure nothing bad
happens to her. Marjorie is a pretty adventurous girl, but she’s
cut out a lot of that stuff—the diving and parasailing and such—
for that very reason. I finally get the woman of my dreams and
while she’s out having fun the parachute wire jams and next
thing I know she’s flying into walls, or she’s diving and the
scuba tank doesn’t work? Her life is in jeopardy and I can’t do
anything about it? No sir. Nope. No more of that. My philosophy
for having a good time is that you have to have a good time
and return home in one piece so you can tell everybody about
your good time. My wife doesn’t trip about this; she just says,
“Thanks for caring, honey.”
And I do care about her, so my DNA screams out to me to
protect her and provide for her and profess about her in any way
that I can. This, by the way, is how our fathers did it, and their
fathers, and their fathers, too—to the best of their natural ability
and with the help of God, even in the most adverse times
when protecting and providing and even professing were neither
easy nor, in the case of black men, allowed. We’ve lost sight
of this—stopped demanding it from our men. Maybe it’s because
there are so many women left to raise their children alone, or
maybe it’s because there just haven’t been enough men teaching
our boys how to be true men. But I firmly believe that a real
woman can bring out the best in a man; sometimes we need
only meet a real woman other than our own mother to bring
out our best qualities. That, however, requires something of the
woman; she’s got to demand that every man stand and deliver.
On the radio show and in my everyday interactions with my colleagues
and friends, I constantly hear women say that there aren’t
any good men and complain about all the things men won’t do.
