WHAT DRIVES MEN
There is no truer statement: men are simple. Get this
into your head first, and everything you learn about
us in this book will begin to fall into place. Once you
get that down, you’ll have to understand a few essential truths:
men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much
they make. No matter if a man is a CEO, a CON, or both,
everything he does is filtered through his title (who he is), how
he gets that title (what he does), and the reward he gets for the
effort (how much he makes). These three things make up the
basic DNA of manhood—the three accomplishments every
man must achieve before he feels like he’s truly fulfilled his
destiny as a man. And until he’s achieved his goal in those three
areas, the man you’re dating, committed to, or married to will
be too busy to focus on you.
Think about it: from the moment a boy is born, the first
thing everyone around him starts doing is telling him what he
must do to be a real man. He is taught to be tough—to wrestle,
climb, get up without crying, not let anyone push him around.
He is taught to work hard—to do chores around the house, get
the groceries out of the car, take out the trash, shovel the snow,
cut the grass, and, as soon as he’s old enough, get a job. He is
taught to protect—to watch out for his mother and his younger
siblings, to watch over the house and the family’s property. And
he is especially encouraged to uphold his family name—make
something of himself so that when he walks in a room, everybody
is clear about who he is, what he does, and how much he
makes. Each of these things is taught in preparation for one
thing: manhood.
The pursuit of manhood doesn’t change once a boy is
grown. In fact, it’s only magnified. His focus has always been
on, and will remain on, who he is, what he does, and how
much he makes until he feels like he’s achieved his mission.
And until a man does these things, women only fit into the
cracks of his life. He’s not thinking about settling down,
having children, or building a home with anyone until he’s
got all three of those things in sync. I’m not saying that he has
had to have made it, but at least he has to be on track to
making it.
This is certainly how it worked for me. I’ll never forget how
disappointed, frustrated, and unhappy I was when, in my early
twenties, I was laid off from the Ford Motor Company. I was
already a college dropout, and now, without a job, I hardly had
enough money to take care of myself, much less a family. This
left me unsure of my future—what I was going to do, how
much I was going to make, and what my title would be. The
titles “college graduate” and “Ford inspector” were gone;
having no job pretty much meant that my chances of bringing
home a good paycheck were zero; and I hadn’t a clue how I was
going to make money. It took me a while to find my footing.
I dabbled in various jobs: I owned a carpet cleaning business;
I sold carpet; I sold Amway products, the Dick Gregory Bahamian
Diet, and ALW Insurance and Commonwealth Insurance.
It was madness what I was doing to try to get my life together.
Finding someone serious to settle down with was the absolute
last thing on my mind.
Then, one night a woman for whom I used to write jokes
encouraged me to go to a local comedy club and sign up for
amateur night. See, I knew I was funny, and I made a few
dollars—very few dollars—writing material for up-and-coming
local comedians who were trying to find their way into the
industry. But I hadn’t a clue, really, how to go about getting
into the business for myself. Still, this woman saw something in
me and told me to take the stage.
So I did. And I killed. I won $50—which today may not
seem like a lot of money, but when I was broke at that time, it
felt like $5,000—for telling jokes. I also was guaranteed another
fifty dollars if, as the winner, I opened the following
week’s amateur night competition. The next day, I went to a
printer and spent fifteen dollars of my winnings on business
cards that, along with my phone number, read: Steve Harvey.
Comedian. They were flat and flimsy and didn’t have any raised
lettering, but those business cards announced that I was Steve
Harvey (who I am), and that I had a special talent in comedy
(what I do). How much I was going to make remained to be
seen, but at least I had the “who I am” and the “what I do”
lined up.
If men aren’t pursuing their dreams—if we’re not chasing
the “who we are,” the “what we do,” and the “how much we
make,” we’re doomed. Dead. But the moment that we figure
out the puzzle and feel like our dreams are taking shape, new
life breathes into us—it makes us vibrant, enthuses, and animates
us. From the moment I became a comedian, I stepped
onto that stage ready to be the very best.
Even today, no matter how tired I am, no matter what is
going on in my life, I am never late for work, and I’ve never
once missed a gig. Why? Because when I wake up, my dream is
in check; I’m living it out live and in color every day, whether
it’s on the radio during the Steve Harvey Morning Show, or on
television with my various projects, or onstage, during my Steve
Harvey Live shows. Who I am is certain—I’m Steve Harvey.
What I do is certain: comedy. And how much I make is right
in line with what I’ve always wanted for my family and me.
And now, I can pay attention to my family. All the faux
paint in my house, the metal ceilings, the leather chairs, the
dogs outside, the cars in the yard, college tuition for my kids—
everything is paid for, everyone is set. I can provide for them
the way I’ve always wanted to, I can protect them the way that
I was raised to, and in my family’s eyes, I am, unquestionably,
a man. Which means I have a clear mind when I go to sleep
at night.
This is the drive that every man has, whether he’s the best
player in the NBA, or the best peewee football coach in rural
Minnesota; whether he’s the head of a Fortune 500 company,
or the supervisor on the line at the local bakery; whether he’s
the kingpin of a major cartel, or the chief corner boy on the
block. Encoded in the DNA of the male species is that we are
to be the provider and the protector of the family, and everything
we do is geared toward ensuring we can make this
happen. If a man can afford a place to stay, then he can protect
his family from the elements; if he can afford a pair of sneakers
for his child, he can feel confident enough to send him or her
to school feeling secure and upbeat; if he can afford meat at the
grocery store, then he can feel assured that he can feed his
family. This is all any man wants; anything less, and he doesn’t
feel like a man.
Even more, we want to feel like we’re number one. We want
to be The Best somewhere. In charge. We know we’re not
going to be head man in every situation, but somewhere in our
lives, we’re going to be the one everyone answers to because
it’s that important to us. We want the bragging rights—the
right to say, “I’m number one.” Women don’t seem to care
about this so much. But for us men? It’s everything. After we’ve
attained that, it’s critical that we can show off what we get for
being number one. We have to be able to flaunt it, and women
have to be able to see it—otherwise, what’s the use of being
number one?
You need to know this because you have to understand a
man’s motivation—why he’s not home, why he spends so much
time working, why he’s watching his money the way he does.
Because in his world, he’s being judged by other men, based on
who he is, what he does, and how much he makes. That affects
his mood. If you know he’s not where he wants to be or not on
track for being where he wants to be, then his mood swings at
the house will make more sense to you. Your inability to get
him to sit and just talk now makes sense. His “on the grind”
mentality becomes more clear to you. Really, it’s all tied to the
three things that drive him.
So if this is on his mind, and he hasn’t lined up the who he
is, the what he does, and the how much he makes in the way
that he sees fit, he can’t possibly be to you what he wants to
be. Which means that you can’t really have the man you want.
He can’t sit around talking with you, or dream about marriage
and family, if his mind is on how to make money, how to get
a better position, how to be the kind of man he needs to be
for you.
In my experience, these facts don’t always sit well with most
women. Many of you figure that if a man truly loves you, the
two of you should be able to pursue your dreams together. Stability
is important to you, but you’d rather build the foundation
of your relationship together, no matter the man’s station in life.
This is honorable, but really, it’s not the way men work. His eye
will be on the prize, and that prize may not necessarily be you
if he isn’t up where he wants to be in life. It’s impossible for us
to focus on the two—we’re just not that gifted, sorry.
Mind you, a man doesn’t have to make a lot of money right
now; as long as he sees his dreams being realized—the title is
clear to him, his position is leading him in the direction of the
place where he wants to be, and he knows the money will
come—then he can rest a little easier, recognizing that he’s on
the verge of becoming the man he wants to be. The way you
can help him get there is to help him focus on his dream, see
the vision, and implement his plan. If you can see yourself in
that plan (you can get a clearer sense of this in my chapter “The
Five Questions Every Woman Should Ask Before She Gets in
Too Deep”), then latch on to it. Because when he reaches the
level of success he’s hoping to reach, he’ll be a better, happier
man for it—and you will be happy, too.
into your head first, and everything you learn about
us in this book will begin to fall into place. Once you
get that down, you’ll have to understand a few essential truths:
men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much
they make. No matter if a man is a CEO, a CON, or both,
everything he does is filtered through his title (who he is), how
he gets that title (what he does), and the reward he gets for the
effort (how much he makes). These three things make up the
basic DNA of manhood—the three accomplishments every
man must achieve before he feels like he’s truly fulfilled his
destiny as a man. And until he’s achieved his goal in those three
areas, the man you’re dating, committed to, or married to will
be too busy to focus on you.
Think about it: from the moment a boy is born, the first
thing everyone around him starts doing is telling him what he
must do to be a real man. He is taught to be tough—to wrestle,
climb, get up without crying, not let anyone push him around.
He is taught to work hard—to do chores around the house, get
the groceries out of the car, take out the trash, shovel the snow,
cut the grass, and, as soon as he’s old enough, get a job. He is
taught to protect—to watch out for his mother and his younger
siblings, to watch over the house and the family’s property. And
he is especially encouraged to uphold his family name—make
something of himself so that when he walks in a room, everybody
is clear about who he is, what he does, and how much he
makes. Each of these things is taught in preparation for one
thing: manhood.
The pursuit of manhood doesn’t change once a boy is
grown. In fact, it’s only magnified. His focus has always been
on, and will remain on, who he is, what he does, and how
much he makes until he feels like he’s achieved his mission.
And until a man does these things, women only fit into the
cracks of his life. He’s not thinking about settling down,
having children, or building a home with anyone until he’s
got all three of those things in sync. I’m not saying that he has
had to have made it, but at least he has to be on track to
making it.
This is certainly how it worked for me. I’ll never forget how
disappointed, frustrated, and unhappy I was when, in my early
twenties, I was laid off from the Ford Motor Company. I was
already a college dropout, and now, without a job, I hardly had
enough money to take care of myself, much less a family. This
left me unsure of my future—what I was going to do, how
much I was going to make, and what my title would be. The
titles “college graduate” and “Ford inspector” were gone;
having no job pretty much meant that my chances of bringing
home a good paycheck were zero; and I hadn’t a clue how I was
going to make money. It took me a while to find my footing.
I dabbled in various jobs: I owned a carpet cleaning business;
I sold carpet; I sold Amway products, the Dick Gregory Bahamian
Diet, and ALW Insurance and Commonwealth Insurance.
It was madness what I was doing to try to get my life together.
Finding someone serious to settle down with was the absolute
last thing on my mind.
Then, one night a woman for whom I used to write jokes
encouraged me to go to a local comedy club and sign up for
amateur night. See, I knew I was funny, and I made a few
dollars—very few dollars—writing material for up-and-coming
local comedians who were trying to find their way into the
industry. But I hadn’t a clue, really, how to go about getting
into the business for myself. Still, this woman saw something in
me and told me to take the stage.
So I did. And I killed. I won $50—which today may not
seem like a lot of money, but when I was broke at that time, it
felt like $5,000—for telling jokes. I also was guaranteed another
fifty dollars if, as the winner, I opened the following
week’s amateur night competition. The next day, I went to a
printer and spent fifteen dollars of my winnings on business
cards that, along with my phone number, read: Steve Harvey.
Comedian. They were flat and flimsy and didn’t have any raised
lettering, but those business cards announced that I was Steve
Harvey (who I am), and that I had a special talent in comedy
(what I do). How much I was going to make remained to be
seen, but at least I had the “who I am” and the “what I do”
lined up.
If men aren’t pursuing their dreams—if we’re not chasing
the “who we are,” the “what we do,” and the “how much we
make,” we’re doomed. Dead. But the moment that we figure
out the puzzle and feel like our dreams are taking shape, new
life breathes into us—it makes us vibrant, enthuses, and animates
us. From the moment I became a comedian, I stepped
onto that stage ready to be the very best.
Even today, no matter how tired I am, no matter what is
going on in my life, I am never late for work, and I’ve never
once missed a gig. Why? Because when I wake up, my dream is
in check; I’m living it out live and in color every day, whether
it’s on the radio during the Steve Harvey Morning Show, or on
television with my various projects, or onstage, during my Steve
Harvey Live shows. Who I am is certain—I’m Steve Harvey.
What I do is certain: comedy. And how much I make is right
in line with what I’ve always wanted for my family and me.
And now, I can pay attention to my family. All the faux
paint in my house, the metal ceilings, the leather chairs, the
dogs outside, the cars in the yard, college tuition for my kids—
everything is paid for, everyone is set. I can provide for them
the way I’ve always wanted to, I can protect them the way that
I was raised to, and in my family’s eyes, I am, unquestionably,
a man. Which means I have a clear mind when I go to sleep
at night.
This is the drive that every man has, whether he’s the best
player in the NBA, or the best peewee football coach in rural
Minnesota; whether he’s the head of a Fortune 500 company,
or the supervisor on the line at the local bakery; whether he’s
the kingpin of a major cartel, or the chief corner boy on the
block. Encoded in the DNA of the male species is that we are
to be the provider and the protector of the family, and everything
we do is geared toward ensuring we can make this
happen. If a man can afford a place to stay, then he can protect
his family from the elements; if he can afford a pair of sneakers
for his child, he can feel confident enough to send him or her
to school feeling secure and upbeat; if he can afford meat at the
grocery store, then he can feel assured that he can feed his
family. This is all any man wants; anything less, and he doesn’t
feel like a man.
Even more, we want to feel like we’re number one. We want
to be The Best somewhere. In charge. We know we’re not
going to be head man in every situation, but somewhere in our
lives, we’re going to be the one everyone answers to because
it’s that important to us. We want the bragging rights—the
right to say, “I’m number one.” Women don’t seem to care
about this so much. But for us men? It’s everything. After we’ve
attained that, it’s critical that we can show off what we get for
being number one. We have to be able to flaunt it, and women
have to be able to see it—otherwise, what’s the use of being
number one?
You need to know this because you have to understand a
man’s motivation—why he’s not home, why he spends so much
time working, why he’s watching his money the way he does.
Because in his world, he’s being judged by other men, based on
who he is, what he does, and how much he makes. That affects
his mood. If you know he’s not where he wants to be or not on
track for being where he wants to be, then his mood swings at
the house will make more sense to you. Your inability to get
him to sit and just talk now makes sense. His “on the grind”
mentality becomes more clear to you. Really, it’s all tied to the
three things that drive him.
So if this is on his mind, and he hasn’t lined up the who he
is, the what he does, and the how much he makes in the way
that he sees fit, he can’t possibly be to you what he wants to
be. Which means that you can’t really have the man you want.
He can’t sit around talking with you, or dream about marriage
and family, if his mind is on how to make money, how to get
a better position, how to be the kind of man he needs to be
for you.
In my experience, these facts don’t always sit well with most
women. Many of you figure that if a man truly loves you, the
two of you should be able to pursue your dreams together. Stability
is important to you, but you’d rather build the foundation
of your relationship together, no matter the man’s station in life.
This is honorable, but really, it’s not the way men work. His eye
will be on the prize, and that prize may not necessarily be you
if he isn’t up where he wants to be in life. It’s impossible for us
to focus on the two—we’re just not that gifted, sorry.
Mind you, a man doesn’t have to make a lot of money right
now; as long as he sees his dreams being realized—the title is
clear to him, his position is leading him in the direction of the
place where he wants to be, and he knows the money will
come—then he can rest a little easier, recognizing that he’s on
the verge of becoming the man he wants to be. The way you
can help him get there is to help him focus on his dream, see
the vision, and implement his plan. If you can see yourself in
that plan (you can get a clearer sense of this in my chapter “The
Five Questions Every Woman Should Ask Before She Gets in
Too Deep”), then latch on to it. Because when he reaches the
level of success he’s hoping to reach, he’ll be a better, happier
man for it—and you will be happy, too.
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